The Painful Truth About The Worldwide Church of God

The Adventures of Herbert W. Armstrong
On the Other Side

Written by: Patti


"Well, well, well!!! I'll be damned!! I'll pinch myself and to see if I'm awake or sleeping. Hell, my fingers slip right through each other! I'm not asleep in my grave. I guess I am dead. But that means that I'm alive but my body isn't! Wow! How did I pull that one off! I must be in the first resurrection. How about that! I wonder where Jesus is. He's supposed to be giving me the low-down on teaching the masses. Or was I supposed to teach all the rest of the brethren that must have resurrected along with me. Where are they? Hey, Herman! Where are you? Yeah, Herman, hey! Are you here? Can you hear me? Last I heard of you there was a rumor you had AIDS. Was that so? How about you, Stanley? Or are you still in the flesh? Hey Gerald? You here? Naw, if you were here you'd be filling me in on all the gossip and my prophecies that failed for the last fifty years. Hey, this is cool man. Oh! Loma. You're lookin' great, baby. Looks like you've shed a few years. How'd you do that? You were pretty old and wrinkled last time I saw you. But then, I was pretty busy logging my activities with the young lady.....oh....I guess I never told you about that....and I don't see that it would be worth the trouble now. She grew up without a backward glance, so what's the big deal! Oh, never mind. It's nothing you need to know.

What's that? That bright light coming my way? Or who...I'll be damned! If it isn't Joe! Son of gun, Joe, how the hell are you? Welcome to my kingdom, you rotten son of a female. Passing the baton, you told the dumb sheep! You wouldn't even let my family in when I was laying on my deathbed, and then you told everybody I turned the Church over to you willingly!? What an operator! You really pulled it off, didn't you Joe! But that son of yours has the last laugh! Now he's got the whole kit and kaboddle! Outsmarted you! Out lived you too! Ha! Oh well, Joe. Now that you're here, I've got to line up my top men to run God's government you know. Its time we get it rolling since the sheep will be coming into pasture. Ha Ha. We've got a lot of preaching to do before the next batch arrives in the second resurrection, so who should we get to write up the assignment lists and take attendance? We'll have to see how many of the deacons made it. I hope a few of them are around. Have you seen any? I haven't either. Maybe we can sucker, oh I mean entice a few deaconesses to get the job done. Hey ladies, its time to bring out the crystal service and put away the Tupperware, we have God's work for you to do. Ladies? Hey you? I'm God's Apostle! But its your duty to obey me.... Oh! I should go where? I'll disfellowship you for that and mark you! How dare you ignore my orders! Don't you know who I am!?

What the....? What the hell are you doing here John Trechak? Damn it! Do you have to follow me and Joe everywhere we go? Can't you ever stop that damn Ambassador Report so Joe and I can get back to the business of God's work without our every move getting reported to the brethren! Why the hell are you laughing? There's nothing funny about it, John. We've got work to do. How'd you get here anyway? You were disfellowshipped and marked a long time ago. How'd this happen? Hey Joe! Did YOU let him back in? Hey Joe, where the hell did you go, don't you know that I'm in charge now and you have to be submissive. Joe. Damn him, there he goes in his black Cadillac. How'd he get that? How does he rate anyway?

Well, guess I'll mosey on, but I'm not sure where I'm going. Hey you! How do I get headquarters? Hey you over there....boy with the wolf. How dare you walk away from me. I demand your respect! How'd he get here anyway? The hell with him, I'll figure out the layout and get to headquarters so I can get started on the new millennium. I wonder where that music is coming from. Guess I'll go see. Oh there's a crowd. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren. Jesus Christ! Well I'll be a son of a...if it isn't the 'king of rock 'n roll! And he's still singing and swiveling those hips. I'll have to write some new articles about lewd behavior and publish it in the next issue of the Plain Tru............ Wait a minute......Elvis was never a baptized member of the church so what's he doing here anyway? Hey boy! Stop this instant! Hum... must not have heard me. Oh well, maybe I can still cut the rug myself, if nobody is watching of course. 'well its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and go cats go.....' Hey this is fun. I haven't danced since Garner Ted was at Ambassador College. Hey Ted? You here? Ted! Can you hear me? Guess not. I'm not surprised. He's a chip off the old block. Must not have been sincere when he repented the last time. Too bad. Guess I'll have to remember that he is still disfellowshipped from God's true church even if he was my heir apparent until the Tkach boys came along and changed everything. Oh yeah, that's right. They did change everything. Maybe that's why nobody else is here. They're all in Sabbath services. Must be Saturday...oh that's right....that was changed too. Must be Sunday. Hey you over there! What time does the sun set today? Yeah. I want to know when the Sabbath is over? You never heard of the Sabbath? How'd you get here? Geeeeeeze! Maybe I am just dreaming after all. I wonder. You aren't Christian? Then what are you doing in the first resurrection? Stop laughing. Who do you think YOU ARE laughing at God's Apostle, Jesus Christ? THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! If you're Jesus Christ, then I'm Mickey Mou........You really are him? I suppose you're here to help me get the government set up, right? Stop laughing. I'll tell God and get you disfellowshipped if you don't treat his Apostle with respect. Now go get Joe over here and we'll get started.....Oh. You're giving the orders now? Its not the Sabbath? What do you mean its not the first resurrection? What do you mean that I preached a bunch of bullshit? How dare you insult me! Whatdaya mean I'm no Apostle? And that they have had a few cold days there. Stop laughing, dammit! This isn't funny. Where's my jet? I'm outta here? Nowhere to go? Gotta stay and repent? The hell you say! God has a recycling program? I'm to be in charge of that, huh? NO? Stop laughing. Recycles garbage? Next time I have to be born again as a female? What do you mean, born again? I ain't goin' nowhere!!! Stop laughing. I have to go? God said? Can't I at least be a male? I wouldn't know what to do without my ........I'll get used to it? Oh no! Or else? What's the 'or else'? You'll send Rosanne to be my mom and John Trechak to be my dad next time around? No! No! No! I'll go. Bye Jesus, I'll go. See ya, Joe. I'm outta here. Goin' back to try again. You too? A twin sister? Whatda ya mean, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s grand children? Black? Oh shit!


Chapter One

When I woke up this morning I had the strangest feeling, like I'd been dreaming about passing through a tunnel and meeting up with a bunch of well-wishers. They could have been better greeters though. I'll have to have the spokesman's club use the topic of "how one should be a humble greeter" for their next assignment. One of those idiots actually introduced himself as Jesus Christ. Must be a nut case.

Gosh! Isn't it amazing! I can clap my hands together and they just pass right through one another! Wow!!! This body is really something else! I used to preach about the soul sleeping in the grave until the resurrection. I really thought the Jehovah Witnesses had a spectacular idea, about staying on the earth 'in the kingdom'. Then Jesus comes back and everybody gets educated with my one true church. They never knew I borrowed a bit of my doctrine from them. Heh heh. But then the Mormons didn't know I stole from them either when I discovered that they were God makers and that was as good as any incentive to get people to want to be a part of my church. Heh heh. Will wonders never cease! All I had to do was tell people that they would become gods and they couldn't get enough of my preaching! Heh heh. The arrogant jerks.

And good old Adolph Hitler. He had some damn good ideas about control. I couldn't have designed my doctrines and policies without his expertise incorporated into my idealism. It really worked. His idea of telling a 'big lie' rather than a little bitty one, worked wonders with the dumb sheep! Heh heh. Actually I didn't lie about much. I AM the greatest! Never before in the history of mankind has there been any one apostle that blanketed the world with as much 'plain truth' as I did. I really got the message out there, even if it was a modge podge of Christianity and Judaism and quite a few other religions. I thought my borrowing even a little reincarnation from the Eastern Religions was a clever way to get Elijah to come back when it was convenient. Well, I suppose I'll have to come up with some more information. That six month, in depth study of the Bible, gave me quite a bit to go on but I could spend another six months and see what else I can come up with. Then I'll pass it along to the ministers for them to preach about.

Lets see. Its time for me to call for a ministerial conference. Where's my phone? Actually I am confused. Where am I? I thought I was in my own bed, but this is a strange place. Hum. Look out this window and....hey....I'm not even in Pasadena! Where the hell am I? Did the jet land someplace and I fell asleep before it landed and here we are in a new place. That must be it. Hey Rod? Where are you? Herman? Stanley? Yeah, you're still on the payroll until 2004, so you might as well keep working for me. Stan? Ted? Where the hell are all you guys? Ramona? I didn't call for you. What the hell are you doing here? You want what? My last will and testament? Get lost!!! I must be dreaming still. That dame has got her nerve even in my sleep.

Oh shit! Maybe I'm really asleep in my grave and dreaming! Maybe I'll have nightmares like this for a thousand years! That would be worse than what I preached about oblivion. Damn. I can't figure this one out. Hey anybody! Can you hear me?

Huh? There's hat Jesus freak again, all dressed up in robes and sandals acting like a fool, smiling and blessing everybody. He will be a tough one to convert! There're be none of that gentleness and sweetness in the men in my church! Who wants those damn sissies anyhow! Not me. I want REAL men. Men that can rule with a rod of iron. Hey Rod? Speaking of ruling with a rod of iron...where are you? You've always been my 'yes man', so now when I need to have your help you're nowhere to be found.

This is disgusting. Oh, hello there missy. You've got a cute ...excuse you? You're an angel? Yeah, and I'm the big bad wolf! See my choppers? Heh heh! The better to eat you my dear. Oh, where's my teeth? Must have left them on my dresser. You never saw anyone with spare parts before? Where have you been? Oh

heaven....and I've been a good little boy and you're the tooth fairy! Right!?

Hum. This is strange. I do have my teeth in. But they don't come out. In fact they are real. How'd that happen? Oh yeah...something strange here just like with my hand clapping. I can stick my finger in my mouth and it comes out my nose or ear or.....Stop laughing. I was only playing. You think I need to be re-educated in a re-education camp? Aren't they located in China? I don't want to go to China. Besides they'd stop my jet from landing there because I pissed them off a few years ago on account of Mr. Chin or Chan or what was his name? That funny little bull legged guy that used to do some importing for me. I don't wanna go to .....Who said anything about China? Well I just assumed.....You're going to send me to this camp here? But I'm sleeping and having a nightmare!.....I'm not sleeping? What the hell do you call this then?.......You've got to be kidding! This ain't no heaven. Where's my harp? Heh, heh.....oh.....its a heavy one. But I don't know how to play it. Play it anyway? Just for kicks? Who do you think you are telling me to....Just shut up and play?

I think it was Taiwan where I last "tied one on" anyway with the little ladies and what a blast with.....hey.....Herman! You around? Just thinking about some good-old-days and you come to mind...Herman's not here you say? I wasn't bragging! I was just logging a few more of my escapades for posterity!....And I'll be doing what for penance?.....What do you mean, born again? I ain't gettin' involved with no 'born again Christians'. I should have thought about that when I wrote all those stupid booklets? What do you mean, stupid booklets! They were my best work! How dare you say they stunk! How dare you say they caused thousands and thousands of people their lives? I didn't kill anybody. I didn't hurt anybody. I was only following orders. I was on a hot line from God himself! And he told me what to write. Every word. If you don't believe me, just ask Garner Ted. He heard 'em too. Who you ask? God. God told us. I am NOT....I repeat.....NOT.....FULL OF SHIT. I am GOD'S APOSTLE. HIS ONE AND ONLY APOSTLE ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! What do you mean that that was then, this is NOW? What do you mean this isn't earth??????? be continued


Chapter Two

Where's that damn maid service!!! I demand immediate room service!!!! How the hell can I preach on an empty stomach? Dammit, get those pork chops up here immediately! There! That oughta get'em movin'!!!! How the hell can I write ad nauseam as I must, on an empty stomach! I have to rewrite my articles on the dangers of eating unclean meat. Hey room service, I'll take a lobster with my pork chop! And plenty of fluffy white bread with gobs of strawberry jelly. Can't get enough of that sweet stuff! Oh, thinking about sweet stuff, you shoulda seen the stream of nice little college freshman girls ripe for the pickin' at Ambassador College every year. I was inspired by them, time and again to write about that old Jezebel and the dangers of getting worked up over these hot babes, or rather, sinful women. Those Eve descendants. Mother Eve, you've produced your whole line bad bad prodigy. Ain't a woman alive who can match up to any man, even the lowest of the low....hey where the hell is that room service? Can't you dumb broads ever get here on time?!!! I'm a hungry man and you'd better watch out when I'm hungry. I'll eat ANYTHING!!! Heh heh.....

Damn accommodations! Its not the same here as the good old days when I was jetting all over the globe and picking the cream of the crop, so to speak, all over the globe while preaching of course. Had to have some kind of a cover up, to make it look like authentic church business. Managed a few nice photographs too of world leaders. All it cost was a few thousand dollars to buy a priceless antique crystal and I could get all the photos I wanted. The dumb sheep ate that up like a bunch of pork chops! Hey dammit, where's my damn pork chops! I'm hungry. What do you mean this is no hotel?

What are you doing working here, John Trechek? What's on that tray? Oh, you brought me my breakfast, bless your rotten heart! Here, put it right here in front of me. Hey, this is pretty good. You cook this too? Oh, you just harvested it. I see. Not too bad, John. Tastes a little funky though. What is it? They call it a cow pie? Aw John, don't tease an old man, tell me what it really is. Chomp! Chomp! Oh, you got it out in that pasture over there? The one I can see out my window? Oh. I see. So tell me the truth John, the plain truth. The hell you say, John! You wouldn't feed me a pile of dried out bullshit! Oh, you would? Chomp Chomp Chomp. What's that loud noise I hear, John? Oh, just the bull outside my window? BULL?????? Aw shit! That's right you say? you son of female dog. Stop laughing, John. It isn't funny. Give me a tooth pick. Burp!

Just deserts, huh, John? So what are you going to bring me for desert? One of those cute little blond bombshells I see floating around all over the place? Heh, heh.....Oh, there're angels, you say. Yeah and I'm the pope. Oh, you don't think the pope would like you using his name in vain? Ha Ha Ha....that ain't all I'd use in vain in that old Harlot Babylon religion. I could tell you stories, John, about the Vatican and popes that would curl your toe nails. I'll bet if you could sneak your way into the Vatican Library you could find out a lot of juicy stuff about that old cat at the top, and all the others all the way back to St. Pete! Yeah John, just a whole new territory for you to report on so you can get off my back!

Who wants to see me? Yeah right! And I'm the Queen of Sheba! So you're St. Pete, oh excuse me, Peter! Ha Ha Ha. We had another connotation for that word back in the old days, Pete. Heh, what the hell do you want with me? Disrespectful? Who me? Naw man! I respect the hell outa you and all the REAL MEN. Its just these wimpy guys that freak me out, like the one that's walking this way in robes and sandals. He looks like a real loser! A sissy. A wimp. Oh Jesus Christ! That's right! This lunatic introduces himself as Jesus Christ. And I'm Mickey say he is Jesus Christ? And you're St. Pete? Ha Ha Ha, and so where's your buddy Judas? Still hanging around on the tree I suppose! Ha Ha Ha......THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! The hell you say!!!! That's him walking outside in the bull pen? Sure, and John Trechak wears panty hose!!!! John? Where the hell did you go John, just when I needed you? John?

Oh? He had to go over and talk to Joe Tkach cause he's crying again? What the hell has he got to cry about? The old fool. He took over my empire, I mean my church, I mean God's church when I....oh that's right fellas. This is all a nightmare. And you'll all go "POOFT" in just a minute or two and I can enjoy my pork chops and lobster and a good cold beer! He's still crying? Because he was the number one apostle for such a short time compared to me? Oh, what a jerk!!!! He'd never have been an apostle at all if I hadn't left the position vacant for him. Of course, the arrogant jackass couldn't wait to get my job. Even rewrote my best seller, "Mystery of the Ages". NO! NOT MYSTERY OF THE AGED!!!!!!!!! A G E S you fools! What do you mean you never read such bullshit? Whatda ya mean it was never a best seller? Whatda ya mean I was a senile old fool? What do ya mean that at least there was more truth in that book than my autobiography? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!!! IT WAS NOT FICTION!!! I don't like this place. Nobody likes me. Stop LAUGHING!!!!

Dammit Joe, stop your blubbering!!! Can't you see I've got REAL trouble? Nobody will bring me my pork chops!

Don't let those alligator tears fool you fellas, he's a real peach! Scripture whipped and harangued his wife until she was a mindless fool stumbling around in her robe and slippers all over Ambassador campus. That's what John Trechak told me. I suppose its true. John wouldn't lie. Would you, John? Hey John, where'd you go? Out for breakfast? He's having pork chops and lobster and a cold beer? That son of a bi........stole my breakfast! Damn you John!!! Its not bad enough that you ruin my reputation by writing all that shit about me, then you go steal my food. I'd never do THAT to anybody. Steal their food? How low can you go? John, you're a monster. I'm hungry!!!! What do you mean I robbed people of their food budget for years? What do you mean there were a lot of hungry kids around the world because of my greed? What do you mean some of them died because of me? If they were dumb enough to send me their money, it was their own stupidity!!!! you can't pin that on me, Jesus Christ!

You have proof? Akashic Records? That's what you call the book of life? It's all in there? Word for word? Deed for deed? Jesus Christ!!!! Not getting away with anything? Not one little jot or tittle? Tit for tat. What do you mean, born again? What goes around comes around. Cause and effect...I was right on that? Oh Shit!


Chapter 3

"Oh its a beautiful day in the neighborhood...blah....blah....blah...humm....hum...What have we here? Oh! If it isn't my old buddy, old pal, how the hell are you, you old son-of-a-gun! Will wonders never cease? Will I wake up and this will all disappear? Hey you over there! Dick! Dick! It's me, Herbert W. Armstrong. How's it going, buddy? Haven't seen you since the last time we had our pictures taken together.....when I was on my tour to preach the word of God, yeah. You don't remember? You were busy because of Watergate? You don't remember me? Oh, you do remember me? Great! Not great? It was easier dealing with the Democrats? That's not fair, Dick. I never broke into your headquarters. You heard someone took over mine at Pasadena? That's where WHO? got the idea??? Pay off the authorities? Because I persuaded them to give up the receivership you think I paid them off, Dick? Well it worked, didn't it!!! So what's the big deal, Dick? Dick? Where'd you go, Dick.? Damn him! Can't take a little reminiscence of the good-old-days.. what a sore loser. That's a Republican for ya.

"Don't speak like that of the dead, you say? Who the hell are YOU to tell me how to talk? Jesus Christ? Damn! Its you again! What the hell do you want with me, you sandal footed, effeminate flunky? I am NOT arrogant!!! God hates arrogance? So what's that got to do with me? I'll meet my match? He who gets the last laugh, laughs best? Stop laughing!!

"I wish you were here, Herman. At least I'd have somebody to talk to who spoke my language and didn't PULL RANK on me. I'd even settle for a few minutes with the windbag. At least Gerald treated me like an apostle. These old-timers here got no respect for a man of God. Oh shit! Here comes John Trechak again. Hey, John! How were the pork chops? Best you ever ate, you say? Stop laughing, John. I don't think you've very nice...stealing food from an old man. You don't think I'm very nice either? Nobody likes me. I don't get any respect. You've heard that before? There's more than one Rodney? One earns his living as a comedian, the other never intended to be, but is a hoot? No RESPECT, John. You don't give me no respect, or you wouldn't talk about my right hand men that way. STOP LAUGHING! John! Dammit John.

"Didn't it ever occur to you people around here that I'm a self-made man? I tried everything to make a living when I was a young man, and it wasn't easy. Even tried to sell mud for facials. Why do you think it pisses me off when women wear makeup? They wouldn't buy my beauty packs when they had a chance, so they don't have to wear that paint on their faces now. I wasn't talking about Rod. Still another Rod out there? This one wears makeup? Oh that basketball star? What a show off, John. He acts that way because he's a show off. I've out 'show-offed' him? What are you saying, John? You think I'm more of a celebrity? Oh, in a smaller circle. Just to the brethren? I'm not a show-off John! I'm God's apostle. Stop laughing!

" You again, Pete? What the hell do you want. Stealing your title? You're the real apostle. Yea, and I'm Tiny Tim! The ukulele player who married Miss Vickie, you idiot! Not the little cripple! You're who you are and I'm who I am? Can't change that? Take responsibility for everything I've ever done? Oh, get a life, Pete! Aren't you supposed to be tending the pearly gates?

"What a jerk! Can't get off my back! And who the hell are you looking at me that way? Charles? I don't know ya, chuck. Dickens? Hum...have we ever met? But I never meant any harm Chuck when I talked about Tiny Tim. I was referring to that 60's kook with the long hair who strummed a ukulele and sang 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips'. You want me to shut up my 'two lips'. Excuse me? You'd like to send the ghost of Christmas past to give me a life review? Hey Chuck, old Pete and his nutty buddy Jesus Christ have been doing that every day. There were lots of Tiny Tim's left in my wake? What the hell does that mean? Sure I preached that parents should trust God and not doctors, send me their tithe money and not buy health insurance. Big deal! Its their problem, Chuck. Kids died? Parents died? Just because they refused medical treatment. So, Chuck, what's your point?

"Loma? Whatda ya know about Loma, Chuck? It was her choice, Chuck, not to get a doctor when she was sick. Its not my fault she suffered a bowel obstruction and died, even though a simple procedure would have saved her. God let her die. My son? What do you know about my son? Oh, that one. Not many people knew about Richard. My fault? Get off it, Chuck. God's will. I ain't takin' no blame for nobody dying!!! It was God's will. God was punishing them for not having any faith. That's the way it is Chuck! Who are all those people out there, Chuck? There's enough to fill Ambassador Auditorium. Who are they all? Here to see me? What the hell do they want to see me for? Go and see? But I don't wanna!!! No choice. God said?

"These are all former members and children in the Worldwide Church of God? Howdy folks! Here I AM. HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG. FOUNDER AND APOSTLE OF GOD'S ONE TRUE CHURCH ON THE PLANET EARTH! Oh...the hell you say....this isn't earth....oh yeah....I heard that the other day.....YOU WHAT? Have all those who died because they refused medical treatment because of my doctrine? So, Chuck, what's your point? Stop swearing, Chuck. Show me some RESPECT! Whatda ya mean I don't deserve the respect of a snail? Whatda ya mean I'm a murderer? Have you lost your marbles? I can't help it if the dumb sheep are too dumb to go to a doctor. You know I had the very best doctors money could buy when I was sick before coming here. I didn't ask anybody's permission to get a doctor. I just hired the best! Oh...who's money you ask? Well, out of my salary of course, Chuck. From the church! You criticizing me for using the tithe money these dead people paid to me to pay my doctor bills? Outrageous? Get a life, Chuck. What'd you say? Can't hear ya Chuck! Too much booing from the crowd. I'm outta here. Gonna have some lunch. Chuck, where'd you go?

"Hey John, wanna go to lunch? I'll buy the pork chops. Maybe if I buy you some you'll not steal mine!!! I'm getting the idea? What idea, John? There's enough for everybody if the hogs don't hoard it all? They got pigs here, John? Let's go eat, I'm hungry."


Chapter Four

"Those sure were good pork chops, John. We'll have to do lunch again sometime! Now be honest with me, John...was that really bullshit you were feeding me the other day? Oh, you would never do such a thing! It was only brown bread in the shape of a cow pie...what a relief, John. You'd never shove bullshit down anybody's throat like I did? That's not nice to say, John. Not nice at all. I was just feedin' the flock, ha ha. Just feeding the dumb sheep.

"Did I tell you John, that I met Charles Dickens the other day? Yeah...he was really pissed off at me for what he referred to as the Tiny Tim fiasco. Brought all the folks together that he said died because of my doctrine against medical treatment. What a wimp! He even talked about my son Richard. You know, John, I didn't cause the car accident that Richard had. I didn't cause him to go into shock. And I didn't allow him to have the injection that the doctors in the emergency room said would bring him out of shock. I don't know where anyone got the idea that I had anything to with his death, John. It was the will of God. I just did not intervene in God's will, John. Oh, you heard about this from Pastor MaGee? What else did he tell you, John. John? Who's that with you now, John? I'll be a son of a bitc...........RICHARD! You won't let me shake your hand? But son, I'm your father!!!! How dare you call me such names. You are to HONOR your father and mother, Richard. HONOR!!!!! Whatda mean I haven't a clue what honor is? You ungrateful mouthy little son of a.....

"Oh who cares anyway. I'll just mosey on over to this little park and see what all the excitement is that's going on. Hum....that black guy looks familiar....oh, I recognize him now. Its Martin Luther King, Jr., the civil rights guy. Wonder what he's up to...I'll see if I can get closer to him. I don't ever remember having my picture taken with him, but maybe I can weasel my way outta this mess if I kiss up to 'em. Oh! Listen to that! He's just had an audience with God and asked that his grandchildren be spared. From what I wonder. I can't hear him very well. He doesn't want Herbert W. Armstrong and Joe Tkach reincarnated as his twin granddaughters??? He's gotten a special dispensation from God for all the civil rights work he did on earth and his request has been granted. Well I guess that saves my ass too! I'll have to tell Joe when I see him. I don't think he was too enthusiastic about the idea either.

"Oh there's Joe....Oh Joe, did you hear the news? We aren't going to reincarnate as Martin Luther King Jr.'s twin granddaughters after all. God let us off the hook!!! The rest of the story? No Joe, I didn't hear the whole thing. What are you talking about? You've got to be kidding!!! Mike Tyson and who?

"I don't like this place, Joe!!! Who are those kids with you? They were in the Worldwide Church of God when I was still in charge? Hi girls, do you know who I am? I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, God's apostle and founder of His church! Stop that! Stop spitting on me! Where's the security guards? Get these little wenches offa me!!! Whatda ya mean they lost their lives because they couldn't have appendectomies? Died of burst appendixes? And you say it was my fault? Oh that one lost her hearing because of a mastoid infection that went untreated? Like I said, Joe, I had nothing to do with it. It was God's will!!! Those people didn't have enough faith that God was going to heal them and THAT'S WHY THEY DIED. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, JOE!!!! Joe? Where did you go?

"You think you're disgusted!!! I just come here, not even of my own free will, and all I get is flack! Flack! Flack, flack, flack. What a bunch of idiots, blaming me for all their problems. I don't get no respect. I don't even get to eat my pork chops when I call for room service, Trechak jumps the gun on me. I'm sick of this. I just want to go to the World Tomorrow and get the kingdom set up. I just want all my boys back workin' for me...

"No, I was just talking to myself! Who are you? Tiny Tim? Where's your ukulele, bub? heh heh heh. You look just as dumb in that long hair as you did on TV, Tim. How do you think God feels about that long hair, man? Don't you know God hates long hair? Who? Jesus Christ? Naw, his hair wasn't long, that was just a lie. Believe me, Tim. Oh you know for a fact that Jesus Christ had long hair? Still does, you say? Oh I can't win 'em all, Tim. Didn't mean to insult you, Tim. I should tiptoe through my own tulips and stay out of your garden? Whoops! I didn't realize I was stepping on your flowers. Whatda mean that at least your fans got what they bargained for and you never claimed to be song bird! NO! I AM NOT A BIRD OF PREY!!!! Whatda mean I ain't no bird-o-paradise? A VULTURE? Damn you, Tim. Just damn you. Stop laughing.

"I don't know what this place is coming to. I just walk around looking for headquarters and I meet up with the damdest people. All I've done is mind my own business and all I get is flack! Flack, flack, flack!!!! I hope they were kidding about having to be born again to Mike Tyson and some babe, that sounds like torture to me. Can't I at least be white. What about my autobiography? I'm descended from King David's seed. I'm heir to the royal family and the British branch of Israel. Doesn't anybody know who I am here? Oh, you do, huh John? Yeah, and you tattle on me at every turn! Oh you wouldn't do that if the truth was in me? John, you know damn well that I've always told the plain truth! John! Stop laughing. Get up, John! Tim gets mad when you flatten his flowers!! John! Quit rolling on the ground! Damn him!!! He'll get me in trouble all over again! I outa here...."

to be continued....

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Adventures of Herbert
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Link updated 6-7-2020



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